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This summer, I submitted a new short story, “Variable,” for the How Stuff Works writing contest. Of the 104 valid submissions, “Variable” was selected as one of the sixteen stories to go head-to-head in a bracket-style competition. It’s naturally my hope that you’ll all go and vote for “Variable,” but really — you should just go and check out the stories and vote for whichever you feel is best.

Here’s the link: http://blogs.howstuffworks.com/2012/09/09/read-the-sweet-16-horror-fiction-contest-entries-here-2/

Many thanks for those who take the time to vote!

Frank's World
Frank’s World by George Mangels

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

“Frank wasn’t born: he escaped from somewhere else … “

George Mangels quickly became a bit of a mysterious legend to me: a cab driver who appeared out of nowhere and dropped a one-sentence-long rant about the world (told from the point of view of someone embodied by the spirit of Frank Booth, otherwise known as the character played by Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet) on the doorstep of literature and then vanished to Mount Shasta–a place not entirely without its own sense of mystery, being the last known residence of the mythological Lemurian race (referenced in the book).

His vocabulary is off the charts. I study word use in the books I read, and this man’s work stands alongside heavyweights like David Foster Wallace, Thomas Pynchon, and Don DeLillo. Published in 1995, Mangels has long been struggling to find a publisher for the follow-up, which he tells me is called Franksegesis, in an apparent nod to Philip K. Dick. I hope he finds a publisher. I’d love to see what the last seventeen years have done to this man’s mind.

“no, one cannot return CHILDREN–God does not give receipts”

The book’s also incredibly funny and smart. It’s seemingly out-of-print now, but you can find it in used bookstores, or on Amazon via some resellers. I bought a first edition online and sent it to Mr. Mangels, who was gracious enough to sign my copy.

“DOES A COW KNOW THAT IT BIRTHS BUTTER AND THAT ITS SACRED JUICES WILL BE SPREAD UPON SLICES OF SCORCHED, COMPRESSED GRAIN?”

Yes, to passages like the above. Yes, to this whole book, which attacks the brain with great wit and literary accomplishment.

“… amber waves of situation comedy rippling outward in every direction … “

Sure, it can be a lot to take–the book is not an “easy” read–but savoring it can be a real joy.

Frank is a force in the world, and he traumatizes people, but the trauma he inflicts is often quite psychological. So much so that the true effect spills out for years, and Mangels has a real gift for writing about what happens to his characters after they run into Frank. At times, these passages can be quite beautiful and heartbreaking.

You should read this book for the description of Mister Ed alone:

“…Mister Ed, the vehicle that transcends three dimensions and sails beyond space, existing and living forever, teaching through millions of box-lips at once, transcending time, living the hipster sunglasses-at-night horse good life throughout time, throughout space, roaming the eternity that is syndication, a transdimensional consciousness wedging its way outwards through the spaces between worlds and into eternity … hell, Mister Ed is ALWAYS and EVERYWHERE…”

The trouble with reading passages like these is that they made my own writing feel dreadfully boring.

Seek this book out. It’s a treasure: earnest and energetic, fully committed to getting into your head and trying to say something worth hearing in some of the best passages I’ve read.

Finding and reading this book was one of the highlights of the year.

I’ve been holding off on this review, because I feel like I should say more, but I have nothing more to say:

I loved this book.

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I originally found out about this game from Kotaku. Since then, I’ve downloaded the game, played it maybe six or seven times, each time for probably less than ten minutes before screaming, getting chills, ripping my headphones off, and stepping away from my computer.

It’s a free game. You can download it right now and try it yourself.

The creator, AgentParsec, says via YouTube: “I didn’t expect this to be popular; I made it for practice so I could learn Unity, and was only really intending to post it to a few forums I frequent.”

Sometimes, beautiful things are created by accident. The game’s modest design works in its favor. Sometimes, the simpler you make your horror story, the scarier it becomes. I even like how when you die, the game just flat-out quits. No ‘play again’. No ‘new game’. Just blip. You’re done. Like not only did the Slenderman get you, he fucked with your computer, too.

Honestly, Slender may well be the scariest game I’ve ever played — and I’ve played a lot of horror games. Resident Evil, Silent Hill, Dead Space–all are great series with a lot of great scares, but nothing so far has been this effective from the very first seconds.

You have a flashlight. The batteries will run out, so you should shut it off when you can. You’re in the woods and need to collect eight pages, scattered around the area. You’d better keeping moving, though. He follows you. And he’s fast. I don’t know if he walks. It seems to me more that he jumps forward once you spot him.

Be careful, though … his blank white face can look a lot like a page from twenty feet away.

I have yet to collect more than three pages. The first one is easy, usually. After that, he starts to come after you.

It’s funny how many of my rules for horror this game follows: it’s really hard to win, making the bad guy pretty lethal and dropping a serious feeling of doom over the proceedings; there are no cops, no guns, no monologuing villains (in fact, there’s no dialogue at all); and atmosphere? It has that in spades, but it doesn’t overdo it.

If you like being scared shitless, try playing this game. It’s an amazing testament to the power of independent games.

love it.

Now I’m going to have to go try it again …

(fuck you, Slenderman, those pages are MINE!)

Fifty Shades of GreySifting through the Fifty Shades trilogy, I started paying more attention to patterns than to the plot. Perhaps E L James (choosing to respect her apparent wishes to drop the periods after her initials) repeated the phrase “you are one fucked up bitch” six times in Fifty Shades Darker in order to aid rote memorization, perhaps not, but I’m sure Homer wouldn’t have done it any differently. At any rate, I embarked on my own odyssey in search of something all the books in the trilogy shared; something which could pull the whole series together.

Well, I think I’ve found it. Appearing at least fifteen times in each book as simply “I shake my head,” the phrase runs through E L James’s book like a true idée fixe, sometimes appearing only a sentence after its last appearance!

But E L James is nothing if not creative, and she shows us many different ways of shaking one’s head. Here are more than fifty cumulative ways of shaking one’s head, as found throughout the Fifty Shades series. (And, yes, it’s possible I missed some. I shake my head at science!)

From Fifty Shades of Grey:

  1. “I shake my head, disturbed at the direction of my thoughts…”
  2. “I shake my head to gather my wits.”
  3. “I shake my head, because I just don’t know.”
  4. “I shake my head, and he heads to the counter.”
  5. “I shake my head at her in a back-off now Kavanagh way – but I might as well be dealing with a blind, deaf mute.”
  6. “I shake my head, not daring to tell him and keep my eyes on my food.”
  7. “I shake my head. Not for food.”
  8. “I shake my head, so much to think about.”
  9. “I shake my head in defeat.”
  10. “I shake my head to concentrate on the task at hand.”
  11. “I shake my head in disbelief.”
  12. “I shake my head, and she rolls her eyes at me.”
  13. “I shake my head as I wander back inside.”
  14. “I shake my head resigned and grasp Christian’s toothbrush.”
  15. “I shake my head at the realization.”
  16. “I shake my head at his largesse, and I frown as a scene from Tess crosses my mind: the strawberry scene.”
  17. “I shake my head as the thought crosses my mind that Christian might have purchased the adjacent seat so that I couldn’t talk to anyone. “
  18. “I shake my head amused, and before I realize it, I roll my eyes at him.”

From Fifty Shades Darker:

  1. “I shake my head and flush before taking a less confrontational approach.”
  2. “I shake my head, confused.”
  3. “I shake my head, equally puzzled.”
  4. “I shake my head, but my heart is in my mouth.”
  5. “I shake my head in disapproval because of the expense, but deep down I love it.”
  6. “I shake my head, trying to clear my mind.”
  7. “I shake my head—Christian Mindfuck Grey.”
  8. “I shake my head, disgusted at myself…”
  9. “I shake my head sleepily. No way.”
  10. “I shake my head, remembering my body bowed and wanting beneath his expert hands.”
  11. “I shake my head in disbelief.”
  12. “I shake my head at the screen, but figure I cannot continue to argue with him over e-mail.”
  13. “I shake my head to reassure him.”
  14. “I shake my head and stare out my window at the gray Seattle day, feeling forlorn.”
  15. “I shake my head as I realize I need to start communicating.”
  16. “I shake my head and clutch José’s hand.”
  17. “I shake my head and clamber unsteadily to my feet.”
  18. “I shake my head at him—he’s actually being serious?”
  19. “I shake my head thinking about my mythical father.”

From Fifty Shades Freed:

  1. “I shake my head slowly, deliberately, trying to look as serious as possible. He closes his eyes and shakes his head then tilts his head back in surrender.”
  2. “I shake my head . . . one day, maybe.”
  3. “I shake my head, causing him to release my ear and gaze up at him.”
  4. “I shake my head to emphasize my point.”
  5. “I shake my head in frustration but I’m grateful that he’s telling Miss Provocative-And-Unfortunately-Good-At-Her-Job just who’s in charge.”
  6. “I shake my head vehemently.”
  7. “I shake my head, and his brow furrows once more.”
  8. “I shake my head in resignation.”
  9. “I shake my head in denial…”
  10. “I shake my head and reach up to caress his lovely face.”
  11. “I shake my head, unable to speak.”
  12. “I shake my head as I recall my distressing, tense encounter…”
  13. “I shake my head mutely.” (Ed. note: is there any other way?)
  14. “I shake my head and sigh loudly.” (Ed. note: shouldn’t have asked!)
  15. “I shake my head, exasperated at myself and at Hannah . . . “
  16. “I shake my head as Taylor sets off toward the hospital.”
  17. “I shake my head and pick up his socks and tie, and fold his jacket over my arm.”
  18. “I shake my head and gingerly get out of bed.”
  19. “I shake my head slowly, deliberately, trying to look as serious as possible.”

This kind of laser-like thematic focus is rare, folks.  Truly impressive stuff.

If you haven’t seen one of my favorite films, The Cook, the Thief, His Wife, and Her Lover … well. The loss is yours. It is everything I ever want from a film. Beauty. Ugliness. Fantastic horrors. Powerlessness, rebellion, and goddamn satisfaction.

Not for all tastes. (Well, okay … that’s an understatement AND a pun!)

In the meantime, please to enjoy this rousing cinematic score.  I listen to this music, and I get inspired to do better.

(If you’ve seen the film, it’s even more delicious.)

The heart of a champion. A hard worker with a strange stance and a hell of an eye. Not to mention, he holds the Red Sox club record for number of times hit by a pitch (he was pelted eighty-six times). Additional details from the email I just got from RedSox.com:

“Youkilis, 33, has hit .233 with seven doubles, a triple, four home runs, 14 RBI and 25 runs in 42 games for the Red Sox this season. A three-time All-Star who was selected by the Red Sox in the eighth round of the 2001 First-Year Player Draft, Youkilis owns a .287 career average with 239 doubles, 17 triples, 133 home runs, 564 RBI, 594 runs, 494 walks and 26 stolen bases in 953 career games with Boston. Youkilis won World Series titles with the club in 2004 and 2007, earned a Gold Glove in 2007 and was the 2008 AL recipient of the Hank Aaron Award.”

Yeah. I say thank you for that.

Watching his final at-bat today, I wanted to be at Fenway, on my feet and cheering for him. Youk’s long been my favorite player, and he went out today with style, hitting an RBI-triple and digging in for a great slide to third, proving once again his willingness to end the day covered in dirt.

I hate Bobby Valentine a little for the disrespectful comments, but that’s Bobby Valentine for you. He’s not one to watch what he says, and that makes him more fun to listen to than, I don’t know, say, Bill Belichick? But yeah — I wish he hadn’t made Youk his enemy.

Because Youk represents what the Red Sox are about. They’re a team that can be the best and the worst, all at the same time. Last year was an absolutely stellar season for the Red Sox, bookended by an atrocious beginning and an historically terrible collapse. People can focus on the fried chicken and beer stories all they want, but what I refuse to forget is that in between all the tragedy, they were unstoppable. A great player in a slump … man, that’s just Red Sox baseball to the core. The potential is always there, but every damned day it’s anything can happen day.

The club fought through the curse. But fight they had to. And that’s the hardest part: it’s stepping up to the plate with all the voices in your head and not giving up. Working hard, no matter what your average or your stats may be, no matter if you’re feeling cursed or not — that’s something I love to see in my Red Sox players, no matter how bad the season gets. And Youk had it in spades.

As for the new guy, Will Middlebrooks, whose blazing talent has sort of pushed Youk out of the lineup … I’m looking forward to watching him continue to light it up.

I just won’t forget Youk. Guy has the heart of a champion, and I’m sorry to see him go.

Hellboy: Seed of Destruction
Hellboy: Seed of Destruction by Mike Mignola
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Re-read this introductory Hellboy collection this weekend, because I missed the big red ape. I can’t say enough about Mignola’s skill when it comes to art and drawing some memorably stylish panels.

There’s also the nice blend of monsters, Nazis, and folklore that is such a signature of his work, and it mostly works. But my problem with Hellboy in general is also my problem with this book: too much monologuing on Rasputin’s part, and while the story starts with great characters and good atmosphere, it throws that aside in the conclusion for monster-mash fisticuffs. I’m just never going to be as involved in those scenes as I might like to be, I guess. At least Mignola keeps it charming throughout with characteristic whit and whimsy.

And, even if the story is a little wooden, it’s still some beautiful, evocative art.

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What a trailer! Probably one of the best trailers of all time. It took me a while to notice how they match the pitch of a scream to the alarm blast, which associates the sound so beautifully with a feeling of terror. Genius. A brilliant piece of marketing.

Too bad Prometheus the film is not as scary as its trailer, or any of the other pieces of well-crafted advertising shepherding audiences into the theater. It has moments, to be sure; it’s not a bad film. Visually, it’s breathtaking. There are countless drool-worthy shots to justify the price of admission all on their own.

Likewise, Idris Elba, Charlize Theron, and Michael Fassbender all add to the experience in a positive way. I wish I could say the same for Noomi Rapace, but I found her annoying and boring (certainly no Ellen Ripley), and when I ultimately choose not to rewatch this movie it will be because I didn’t care about her character and there is so much of her character to watch.

Which brings me to the point of this article, which is not really a review (and from here on out, be warned: I am going to give  away plenty of things about the film, so if you haven’t seen the film, you’ve been warned — here there be spoilers!). Prometheus is a flawed film, but it could’ve been improved by one small change:

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