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Author Archives: Kristopher Kelly

It really seemed like my horse was telling me he liked Beethoven, so, figuring what the hell, I went to the shed, dug out the ol’ Victrola, and set it up by the stable.

“Symphony or sonata?” I asked, flipping through dusty records in an old pine box. The horse just twitched its tail. I didn’t find that to be entirely scrutable, so I put on the 9th, because what the fuck, might as well start with the classics. I got it going, then went back to sit in my chair beside him and look down the field to the river.

There we sat, listening to the 9th while the day started. Sun was good, bright and warm. I put my hand up on the horse’s neck, gave it a solid pat because I was feeling better and better about this new and extraordinary friend of mine and the time we were spending with ol’ Ludwig. Marveled again at the feel of horsehair on horsehide–warm and complete beneath a hand with a real meant-to-be feel to it.

My horse let me know he was having a great time. I let him know I was, too. Pretty perfect way to spend a morning, we both agreed.

Later on, Mavis came by. “You listenin’ to Beethoven?” he asked.

“That we are,” I said.

“We? You mean, you and … you and your horse? You and your horse are listening to Beethoven?”

I pointed at the horse. “He likes it. Ask him.”

Mavis sort-of laughed, like he thought I was kidding, or making some joke. He ran his finger along the Victrola. “Where did you find this old thing?”

“In the shed. Don’t touch it,” I said, and the horse whinnied and shook its goddamned head right in Mavis’s direction. I couldn’t stop laughing about that. I couldn’t stop feeling like me and that horse, we were gonna be in it together, riding down the dust until all the sun was gone.

Well, Mavis took the hint and shuffled off. I heard he started calling me an asshole sometime after that. Might’ve asked him about it, but he stopped coming around, anyway.

Me? Shit, to this day I can’t listen to the fucking 9th–or anything else by ol’ Ludwig, for that matter. It still hurts, what happened later.

I still miss those mornings.

I still miss that horse.

Johnny the Homicidal Maniac: Director's Cut
Johnny the Homicidal Maniac: Director’s Cut by Jhonen Vasquez
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

A brilliant, extremely violent graphic novel that tells the story of a madman (and cartoonist) named Johnny (friends call him Nny), driven by forces he doesn’t understand to keep a wall in his basement covered in fresh blood, lest the demon behind it should break free. Johnny has an affinity for his sweet little neighbor kid Squee, an unlucky little guy whose parents ignore him and leave him at the mercy of the well-meaning but always-terrifying visits from Johnny. The art and the lettering convey an emotional imbalance with energy and wit. I could really almost hear the voices of the characters as I read.

I wouldn’t say I was a huge fan of Happy Noodle Boy, which is the comic that Johnny draws, though it did make me laugh a few times.

Really, though, the book is a stylish examination of the pursuit of a more autonomous life. The main character steals the show, naturally (who doesn’t like a smart and effective madman?), but the supporting characters, such as Squee and Devi (the, ahem, “girl who got away,” who really is the girl who got away) and Mr. Samsa (the name given to the cockroach Johnny believes keeps returning to life — “I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to kill you again, Mr. Samsa”) and Nail Bunny and the Doughboys — all contribute to a satisfying whole.

The artistic style is a little like Nightmare Before Christmas after everyone involved did a few more hard drugs. There’s plenty of delightful detail in every frenzied panel.

It’s incredibly sick and smart and fun. Perhaps not for everyone, but definitely for me.

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The Halloween Tree
The Halloween Tree by Ray Bradbury
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Eight boys go trick-or-treating to a haunted house, only to find a spooky figure, who goes by the impressive name of Carapace Clavicle Moundshroud, ready to whisk them all away on an historical tour through the many variations of All Hallow’s Eve. While discovering the true meaning of Halloween, the boys also struggle to find and save their lost friend, a real boys’ boy named Pipkin.

There are only two problems with this short book: 1.) Bradbury can often be a bit of an All Boys School kind of writer, and this work ratchets that to the extreme; 2.) it’s sometimes a little list-like in its cataloging of all the versions of Halloween that have existed over time (“the Druids did this and the Romans did that and the Christians did something else and now let’s go see about the Mexicans!”).

But to hell with it, because I LOVE this book! Bradbury’s gift for language is at its strongest here. Everything is gorgeously described–from the notes played by the wooden planks of the haunted house’s porch, to a triumphant affirmation of life itself as a boy runs a gauntlet of a hundred mummies, Bradbury’s prose casts a powerful spell.

A powerful work and a poetic meditation on how we deal with the fear of death, this book is the best indictment of the current state of the holiday ever written.

Beautiful.

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Creepshow
Creepshow by Berni Wrightson
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Just doing a little weekend comics reading … saw this on the shelf, felt like reading it again. Glad I did.

I’ve adored this book since I was a kid; decades later, it still brings a twisted smile to my face. I used to compulsively read the EC Comics that served as inspiration for this collection, and, while I love those too, I think King’s stories surpass the source material. I’ve read this comic collection more than I’ve seen the film version, and I think I prefer the book for whatever reason.

Standout lines for me: “It’s Father’s Day, and I want my cake!”; “I want to measure the bite marks.”; “I’ll shoot you dead!”

Also, kudos to the concept of a man listening to a television preacher talk about salvation while his own personal doom approaches. Very slick. And I like the monster in the crate as example of a man’s id, restrained, then broken free, then suppressed. King’s symbolism there is top notch.

A few problems: in “The Crate,” I don’t find the initial reactions to the monster at all believable. When you see a man pulled into a crate, I’m pretty sure I would at least open the lid and try to pull the guy out. And then I WOULD get the police. Or someone. RIGHT AWAY. And I would not leave the scene. That was all a bit clumsy, but overall still a great story.

Another problem I noticed this time around is that some of the really revelatory panels are not very well-placed in the book. Too easy to see the surprise event coming.

Of course, I know these stories so well it doesn’t really matter to me, but for the first-time reader, I imagine it wouldn’t be so great to see a panel of someone blowing their brains out before it was obvious that was going to happen.

But anyway, I’m being picky. Overall this collection is diabolical, memorable, campy fun.

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The good news is the photo really does you justice. It accurately represents your default smile. Your other features are likewise not distorted. Kudos.

The bad news is we have taken a closer look at some of the specific claims you’ve made in this profile, and we feel it only fair to point out a few concerns w/r/t their validity.

The claims:

“I have a great sense of humor and love to laugh.”

If this statement is true, it is not borne out by your Netflix viewing history. Over the past 90 days, you have viewed only two comedies, both of which feature struggling cancer victims. While you might claim to find humor in the dramas you’ve watched, a hidden recording device we placed in the cactus beside your television has picked up nary a lone chuckle.

Likewise, a survey conducted at your workplace also found that you laugh at your coworkers’ jokes the least frequently of any of your coworkers, regardless of who is telling the joke. While you may love to laugh, it is clearly difficult for you, and you do not seem to seek it out, nor do you have a sense of humor describable as anything other than decidedly below average. The most common adjective used to describe you by your coworkers was “quiet.” Second-most common: “Nice.” No one ever mentioned your sense of humor. When asked about it, however, they would laugh.

“I enjoy long walks …”

We’ve averaged the length of the walks you take and found it to be 0.2 miles, or about two short city blocks. The longest walk you took over the past year was 1.2 miles, and you were reported to have complained about it. Your most common mode of transportation is a taxi, and when in groups, you always argue for taking some mode of transportation when walking is suggested. We suppose “enjoy” and “long” may have flexible meaning for you.

“… and spending time with my dog.”

Presuming you mean Charlie, your full-sized poodle, who you mostly ignore, this is unlikely. As far as time spent in your apartment goes, the bulk of your time is spent looking at your laptop screen (46%), followed by your television (31%) and food (16%). Your dog (0.7%) ranks below your bathroom shower curtain (3.3%) and toilet paper (1.4%). Most common command given to Charlie: “Charlie, lie down!”

“I wasn’t very popular in high school.”

We took a poll and conducted a thorough analysis of the yearbooks from your class. Out of the lists created by your former classmates, your name showed up the most among people remembered to be “popular.” Analysis of the yearbooks of you and all your classmates shows that you are in the 99th percentile when it comes to number of distinct signatures.

But that was overkill on our part, as you were also voted Prom Queen at your senior prom (could’ve been an ironic gesture, a la Stephen King’s Carrie, but probably was not, given the above evidence) and ‘Most Popular’ in your senior yearbook (ditto the last parenthetical).

“I love music.”

Number of times you have watched an entire musical performance without talking over at least 40% of it: 0.

Here is our suggestion for an edited, more accurate profile: “I have a below-average sense of humor and prefer to cry most nights. I don’t like walking, and most of the time my dog is an inconvenience to me. I like to browse the Web. Music is tolerable to me as long as I don’t have to pay too much attention to it. I was the most popular person in high school, and I am still very cute (see photo).”

You will not be alone for long.

A Feast for Crows
A Feast for Crows by George R.R. Martin

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Oh, does someone want to sit the Seastone Chair? Oh really? Oh, someone else wants to sit the Iron Throne? Anyone feel like bending the knee? Yeah? No? Maybe? Why don’t you all just fight about it some more. Game of Thrones = a very vicious game of musical chairs.

Oh, so much sitting and sitting and bending! Where will it all end? Hopefully not in the tower cells with the hundred princesses of Dorne, because I barely know where that place is.

I kid. This book continues the long saga of the wars of Westeros, only this time it does so without any dragons. Truth is, this book is mostly exposition. I’d say it’s probably 65% exposition, 35% holy-crap-what-the-hell-just-happened awesomeness. So much boring stuff; so many alarming surprises–and often all in the same chapter!

I mean, is there any chapter in this book that doesn’t introduce new characters? It’s a bit ridiculous. On the one hand, it helps make the universe the story takes place in feel real. On the other hand, I don’t care about so-and-so’s step-grand-uncle’s second wife’s bastard child twice removed, replaced, saddled, and betrothed.

I’m making things and words up here, because that’s how it all starts to read to me after a while.

That said, the overall stories continue to be a blast. What can you do but read on?

So glad I’m done with this one so I can get back to reading about the dragons.

Dragons. Not Dorne. I’m making a t-shirt.

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We Need to Talk About Kevin
We Need to Talk About Kevin by Lionel Shriver

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

When I was a sophomore in high school in 1993, I wrote a big preposterous novel that culminated in a school shooting. I’d read The Basketball Diaries, seen Pearl Jam’s (apparently misunderstood) video for “Jeremy,” and read King’s short novel Rage, so it really didn’t seem anything special to me to write something like that. It was angst-ridden wish-fulfillment of the most obvious kind, sick with its own melodramatic self-righteous anger and autobiographical details. By the time I finished it, I hated the main character only slightly more than I hated myself. I vowed to grow up, and when I wrote my next novel I made it about a girl so it would have less of a chance to be about me.

Then came all the real-life school shootings, and I started to feel even worse–superstitiously complicit, or at least guilty of some kind of thought crime. Watching the CNN coverage of Columbine made me sick to my stomach, and part of the reason I felt so horrible was because of the manic glee I’d had writing some of the worst scenes in that idiotic novel.

So when I heard someone had written a well-reviewed book about a high school massacre, I recoiled. There was simply no way anyone could get it right, and, besides, that was my book. If anyone was going to write it, it should’ve been me.

Well, after reading Lionel Shriver’s book, all I can think to say is: I was so wrong. I knew nothing about this subject, and I’ve just been schooled by a master. I’m so grateful someone better than me took this subject on. Shriver gets everything right in this book, and keeping the novel in the point of view of the mother of a teenager who goes on a killing spree in his high school is a masterstroke.

The plot centers around the efforts of Eva Katchadourian, mother of Kevin Katchadourian, nicknamed KK by the press (which recalls both the initials of Kipland Kinkel as well as, yes, disturbingly, my own), who is in jail after murdering nine people, to put together what it all means and why it happened and come to terms with her culpability as the parent of a murderer.

The triumph of this novel is its ability to put you in the mind of a woman tortured and psychologically abused by her own progeny. Reading this as I did after The Psychopath Test, I found myself often making mental checkmarks as Kevin displayed classic sociopathic tendencies. But even so, this is not a book interested in labels or easy answers so much as it’s a book about the mysteries of character, even Eva’s own. Was she abused by her son, or did she abuse her son? There is no objective answer. There was certainly a war between mother and son, but at the same time it could also seem like an agonized love affair. It’s all so disturbing and uncomfortable and compellingly readable.

Not to mention Shriver’s wonderful prose style, which is literate and still easy to read. It’s great writing that doesn’t attract attention to itself, which is really tough to do.

One thing I still don’t like is the title, which is just a little too “the more you KNOW” and after-school-special-ish for me. But so it goes.

This is one of the best horror novels about being a parent that’s ever been written.

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Originally written for a contest on Janet Reid’s blog. Requirements were the five words above (allegiance, risk, choice, sequel, and destroy) and that it be 100-words-or-less. I lost. Winners and finalists here. My entry below (guessing that clunky second sentence knocked me out of contention, but I still contend it’s grammatically accurate).

* * *

She smelled like peppermint, like things sticky-wet, when we went to the room. Our shared allegiance to risk a dangerous choice led us to the door. Craving a fresh sequel to destroy our stale marriages, we moved with naïve excitement toward a second act we hoped would be better than the first.

We were drunk.

In front of the bed, she crossed her arms. Her dress dropped. I wanted to hit pause, spare us the disappointment of subsequent frames, the dimming of the flare of blinding promise.

But we fell predictably together and, later, slept unspooled in the usual gloom.