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Author Archives: Kristopher Kelly

So a while back, I signed up for Amazon’s Kindle Select program, thinking to take advantage of the ability to give my book away for free for five promotional days. I didn’t like making the book exclusive to Amazon for the required 90 days, but I did it because I wanted to give it away.

After the 90 days expired, I decided no, it’s not the best to go exclusive with an ebook. Since none of these stories even have the imprimatur of being Kindle Singles, what was I thinking? I put it back on Barnes and Noble and iTunes. Then I made it free on iTunes, because it was easy to do.

Now, it seems Amazon has made my book free. Why?

Price-matching! They will match the competitor’s price.

So, while I can’t technically give it away for free on Amazon without being exclusive (and then only five days for everyone who doesn’t have an Amazon Prime membership), I can give it away elsewhere and thereby force Amazon to drop the price.

So now the book is free on iTunes AND Amazon. Who knows how long this will last.

I’ve done the impossible!

(For Nook fans, don’t despair — I’ve got an idea how to get this out there for free for you, as well. It the meantime, it’s still just $0.99 on Barnes and Noble.)

Ah, there is nothing like a random contest win to brighten a day!

Today, I won a Twitter contest over on Unshelved to design a vampire trap. The contest is a promotion for 32 Fangs, an upcoming vampire novel by David Wellington.

Because I had fun, and because Amanda got into it to and provided some hilarious entries herself, I’ve decided to round them up here for posterity. Check out the other winners and runners-up at the link above, otherwise, enjoy these, which were our entries:

1. Midnight marathon past the vamp nest, all runners hydrated thoroughly with holy water. (Winner.)

2. Vampires still gotta bathe. Have Father O’Helsing bless the reservoir supplying the water to Vamptown.

3. Play G Tom Mac’s “Cry Little Sister” at a carnival. Slayers standby. It is to vamps what “Shave and a Haircut” is to Toons. (My favorite of mine.)

4. Though my girlfriend says, “If it was a man vamp, a bloody booby. What’s better than that? Bloody boobies that’re hydrogen bombs.”

5. Girlfriend also recommends: “A trail of bloody tampons … leading to Kevin McAllister’s house.” (Contest judge gave this a nod as the grossest entry in a direct message. I think it’s obviously the best of all of these and am very proud of my girlfriend for being so disgustingly funny.)

At the bottom of a red chasm, the three surviving astronauts played poker. The vessel’s oxygen leaked out of their crumpled craft, rising into the Martian sky, passing the window beside the bruised and silent face of their dead colleague Muncey, who hadn’t been as lucky as the rest of them and was now the designated dealer, although they had yet to move past the first round of betting.

“I raise you the cure for cancer.”

“Under-betting the pot, eh? I’ll match that with my kid’s coin collection, raise you a first edition of The Catcher in the Rye. Nota bene, it’s got a bent corner. Earl?”

“I fold.”

“Don’t be stupid. You’re not afraid of Nelson’s pair of threes, are you? Bet something.”

“Okay, I raise you a repaired spacecraft and another forty years of suburban life.”

“Nice try, Earl, but really best stick to what you can cover.”

“Can we please just see the flop already?”

“You gotta pay to see the flop, you know that. Come on, what’s your bid?”

Earl held up a screwdriver. “Muncey’s magic screwdriver.”

“You can’t bet a dead man’s gear. What else you got?”

“Air. I bet a thimble full of air.”

“Earl, you don’t have a thimble, and you’re almost out of air.”

“Ok, then, Jesus. I guess I’m all in.”

“Ain’t we all, Earl? Ain’t we all. All right, Muncey, Earl’s called. Deal the flop.”

But Muncey stayed dead, and in the window beside his head, the stream of air started to thin. The astronauts exchanged looks.

“I think we’re gonna need a change of dealer, boys. Just not getting the cards I’m looking for from this one.”

Conjure Wife
Conjure Wife by Fritz Leiber
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

There’s a lot to recommend this story of a man who learns his wife has a bit of a witchcraft habit. The writing style is clean and admirable, and the story moves at a decent clip. Whether Tansy Saylor, the wife of skeptical college professor Norman, is actually a witch or is instead one among a group of similarly deranged women is left to the reader to decide. Either way, in order to save her, Norman must often act as if the magic were real. I personally found the restraint required for such a balancing act to work a little tired by the twentieth chapter, but I often found myself really enjoying the chapters which attempted to place witchcraft in a more scientific context.

While I liked Norman and Tansy well enough, the book as a whole feels thin to me and a little too old-fashioned. I enjoyed its realism and its delicate touch, but often I found the other characters flat and not very compelling. It was difficult, for example, to tell the other wives apart, and even more difficult to remember the characteristics of their clueless husbands.

Still, there are some scenes that were very good–enough so that I’m glad I read this book. It was a pleasant enough diversion, and parts of it were still pretty inspiring.

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I’ve been following this film for a long time (it was originally filmed in 2009, but its release was delayed by MGM’s bankruptcy), protecting myself from spoilers, dreaming of a fresh new genre deconstruction that’s also a great horror film in its own right.

Having now seen the film, I don’t understand the media embargo regarding spoilers. The entire plot of the movie has, actually, been given away by the official trailer. And if it hadn’t been given away in the trailer, the basic conceit is given away in the first five minutes of the actual film. Written by Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard and directed by Goddard, the film looks to be a clone of The Evil Dead, but ends up being more like The Evil Dead mashed together with the Initiative from season four of Whedon’s Buffy, except instead of being run by Lindsay Crouse, this paramilitary group is run by — well, I guess I can’t say. The day-to-day operations are handled by Bradley Whitford and Richard Jenkins (my favorite characters), with Amy Acker saying some lines over their shoulders.

I wanted a lot from this movie, perhaps too much. When I saw the 92% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, I thought I was in for a treat. Sad to say, I was let down. The Cabin in the Woods is not a bad film; it’s just not a great one, and it’s disrespectful of its own genre. I enjoyed it far less than last year’s Tucker and Dale vs. Evil. Cabin is slicker and savvier, but it’s also lacking any really likable characters, which given Whedon’s presence as co-scriptwriter, surprised me. Kristen Connolly’s Dana is no Sydney Prescott, and Fran Kranz’s stoner Marty is such an obnoxious, selfish twit he nearly ruins the film single-handedly (I also hated this actor a lot in Whedon’s Dollhouse, and my opinion of him has only grown worse).  The film is also not very scary or funny (it made me laugh a couple times and scared me not once). The trouble with the movie’s monsters is that they seem like the off-brand versions of villains we know too well. Instead of Hellraiser‘s Pinhead, we get a vaguely S&M-ish guy holding a puzzle sphere with saw-blades in his face. The film ends up less involving than if someone took the posters of a thousand horror films, cut them up, threw them on the floor, and then pissed on them to make them less recognizable.

Now I’m going to discuss the specific things I didn’t like about the movie. In detail. Get out now if you want to see this for yourself; spoilers after the jump.

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Sometimes it took weeks before he found another one that worked. He was a big man with plenty of scars. No one could ever look at his face and say he wasn’t terrifying, so he looked for the ones who would hate their own suspicions–the ones he could reassure with a smile.

Hold the door, please, he would say, coming up behind them as they entered their buildings, I know I look scary, but please don’t judge me. 

And then to strike the right sheepish note, a disarming awkwardness as they shared an elevator ride or moved up the stairs together. All it took was a flinch, just the right amount of defensive posturing, and he would keep walking, move past, up another flight of stairs, his quarry safely below, unlocking her door, ducking inside, closing him out.

Safe.

Above, he would wait, longing, his breath quick. His need voracious. Such nights as those, he would need a boy–the filthy one with the chipped teeth the others kept for him in the place on Roosevelt Island. Then he’d sit with the other Deermen in the brown room with the green carpet. He would have ice cream with them. He would share some with the boy, but not too much.

“You don’t want to get fat,” he would say to him. “Do you?”

A few days later, he would try again. And sometimes, his quarry and he would be alone, and she would be calm, perfectly calm, unthreatening, and he would follow her all the way to the door, putting on his pink candy gloves, the fabric soft, pleasing, and he would pull out the polished wooden dowel. She would be unconscious before she could think to herself,  Should’ve known. 

Now he watched the woman sleep. She had a small child’s chair in her bedroom she seemed to use for her dirty gym clothes. He’d moved those aside. Pulled the chair up. Sat in it, made it minuscule, and watched her sleep on her bed.

His pink candy gloves hot on his knees.

A few moments later, he reached out and put one hand over her mouth, another around her throat, and squeezed. She woke up, biting at the gloves. He let her bite, thinking, Go. Go on. Eat. Eat. Eat. 

And beyond that, a high tide would come in of thoughts and emotions he could never tell anyone, the hidden self beneath the breaking skin. Beating against him like her fists.

Eat.

Eat.

Eat. 

Note: Walken Through Film is a series of reviews of Christopher Walken movies, looking at the films through the lens of extreme adoration of Christopher Walken. These reviews are designed to help people new to Walken understand Walken better and to help fellow Walken aficionados find the hidden gems in what can be at times a wild and unpredictable body of work. 

Search and Destroy

Budget: about $4,000,000. United States gross: less than $400,000. User rating on IMDB: 5.2. Rotten Tomatoes average: 33%.

So many people, all so very wrong.

“Yadda, yadda. Warden. BOOM!” 

How did a movie like Search and Destroy get made with this kind of cast? How did a movie with this kind of cast fall into such obscurity? This was the first film for visual artist-turned-director David Salle; it was also his last. A critical and commercial disaster, it stars Christopher Walken, Griffin Dunne, Dennis Hopper, Ethan Hawke, John Turturro, Illeana Douglas, Martin Scorsese, Rosanna Arquette, and Dan Hedaya.

Based on a play by Howard Korder and adapted for the screen by Michael Almereyda, the plot focuses on the downward spiral of struggling entrepreneur Martin Mirkheim (Dunne), who, deep in debt, decides to pursue the rights to a self-help manifesto / young man’s adventure story, Daniel Strong, written by Hopper’s Dr. Henry WaxlingMartin has no money to buy the rights, and to make money he teams up with Kim Ulander (Walken), a bored businessman looking for a way to spice up his life. Martin amuses Ulander–enough so that soon the two hatch a plan to go buy and sell some drugs.

And like Walken says in the film, “You can’t have an adventure without a gun.” 

The trouble with Martin is he didn’t realize he was in a Christopher Walken movie. Once Walken is involved, the movie blossoms into something violent and wonderful. Walken rips control of the narrative away from every other character, breaking through the film’s artifice as his character breaks away from his own soul-deadening desk job. The unshackled film turns dark and unpredictable, which is the whole point: Martin wants to make a film about a book arguing for a personal autonomy Martin isn’t brave enough to fully own–until Walken drags him through a journey harrowing enough for Martin to find strength within himself.

Walken at his best is a force of anarchistic escape from the hegemony and overwhelming dominance of the formulaic. He is freedom gone haywire, delivering every line as if it were the manifestation of an inner rebellion against all external requirements of plot or diction. He’s a force to be reckoned with in any film (his memorable turns in True Romance, Pulp Fiction, Annie Hall, and The Deer Hunter belie the paltry number of scenes he’s actually given), and often the best use of him as an actor is a film like Search and Destroy, where the purpose of his character is to derail the narrative and send us spinning into wilder terrain.

Watching Walken act, you see the total absurdity of life and a glimmer of a solution for how to survive it.  Sometimes, all it takes is a shot of him onstage making jokes about Charles Manson before doing an odd little tap-dance while Martin says to his date Marie (Illeana Douglas), “He’s my friend!” I know exactly how Martin feels.

“I’m enchanted by your optimism, and I hope all your dreams come true.” 

Surrounding Walken’s wonderful performance is a stellar supporting cast. Douglas is particularly fun as Marie, an insecure-but-cheerful writer of B-grade slasher films. Her description of brains erupting and cascading down the walls would’ve been worth it all by itself, but Marie also holds nothing back when it comes to describing her heroine lopping off a monster’s “penis claw” to a horrified Martin over a would-be romantic dinner.

Sigh. A girl after my own heart. I swooned a bit. I won’t lie.

Dennis Hopper also steals several scenes as Dr. Henry Waxling, the opportunistic, greedy author of the self-help book who now hosts a late-night talk show. His advice to a dreamy-eyed Martin who shows up wanting to secure the rights to his book: “Get some money, man! Go! Get MONEY!” His advice for people who find themselves talking to someone who is in desperate need of help: “Kick ’em really hard!”

The audience is treated throughout the film to brief scenes taken from Waxling’s book, featuring the ongoing development of Daniel Strong. Daniel Strong jumps off a watefall a boy, emerging from the pool at the bottom a triumphant man, arms upraised while music trumpets his jubilant transformation. Daniel Strong runs through the forest of doubt, undaunted. Daniel Strong tests himself against the power of a nude female. All of these scenes I found smart and funny and sharply done. Along with being one of the best unseen Walken films, Search and Destroy might well be one of the most underrated satires of the last twenty years.

So why did the film fail? Most viewers (and people who I’ve made to sit through the film over the years) seem to find Martin an unlikable protagonist. For me, he works in the same way William H. Macy’s character in Fargo works: I agonize over the character’s actions as he sinks lower and lower into a personal hell while identifying with his struggle to become a credible human who can break his own cycle of failure to succeed at something in life. Griffin Dunne’s performance is brave and torturous, yet incredibly compelling. Whatever else the film is, I don’t think it’s ever dull. There’s agony or wit in every shot.

The film’s look is often cheap, but also consistently inventive and stylish, albeit in a museum-installation sort of way. I wish it was available in a high-def, widescreen format, but it seems destined to be lost to the bargain bins of video stores everywhere, and that is a real shame. The film deserves better. I’ve watched it countless times, and most of the quotes and details I’ve included in this review were accurately pulled from memory. The film has depth and value for those willing to see it.

“Did you see that? I was READY!” 

Onto to the scoreboard!

Walken song and dance: Check! (One of my favorites that he’s ever done.)

Fun or Serious Walken? Super fun! Couldn’t be more fun!

Is it supposed to be his movie? No!

It is anyway? Yes!

A good film without him in it? Close, but not quite. Half point!

Final score: 3.5/5 Walken Points. Highly recommended for Walken fans; others will probably hate it, wrongly.

Seek out Search and Destroy. 

Selected Nuclear Materials And Engineering Systems (Landolt Börnstein: Numerical Data And Functional Relationships In Science And Technology) by Materials Science International Team MSIT

My rating: 2 of 5 stars

This series is really running out of steam. After so many pages, you’d expect that we’d have gotten to the good explosions by now, but mostly this is just a lot of exposition.

I also find these selected nuclear materials and engineering systems a little two dimensional.

And where are the strong female characters?!

Overall, a bit sexist and tedious.

Wouldn’t recommend reading this on the Kindle, as some of the charts are a bit illegible, and as such I don’t know if it was worth the $6K.

Update: Looks like I spoke too soon. Apparently, this is no longer available on the Kindle. I’ve clicked the button to notify the publisher, as the hardcover version probably would be difficult to manage on a crowded subway.

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Q. “I’m getting some strange errors on the home page.”
A. “I only need to know one thing: where … they … are!” [makes shooting gesture]

Q. “Topher, you got a second? Got some stuff I need to talk to you about.”
A. “Is this gonna be a daily standup, sir, or another bug-hunt?”

Q. “Meredith from marketing has some ideas about the site.”
A. “Yeah? Why don’t you put her in charge?!”

Q. [approaching new computer] “Is this your new server? Niiiiice!”
A. “Get away from her, you bitch!”

Q. “Sooo, um … what do you think it would take to fix these problems?”
A. “I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.”

A Dance With Dragons
A Dance With Dragons by George R.R. Martin

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

A series about sex, scheming, and killing veers off into one more about managing unruly forces. While it’s interesting in the sense that all problems are essentially interesting, it’s also tedious.

I feel like a standard model chapter for George R. R. Martin runs like like this:

1. Describe the people and what they are wearing.
2. Describe the food. All the food.
3. Have a somewhat interesting conversation.
4. Have the characters leave and go to their respective rooms.
5. Interrupt them with something REALLY EXCITING, but leave this scene quickly for a new chapter. Don’t return until the reader’s forgotten what was so exciting about this part of the story.

The trouble with Feast for Crows and Dance with Dragons is that often the cliffhanger ending wasn’t even very interesting. I used to console myself while reading the boring parts of these books by assuring myself that hey, at least there would always be something crazy at the end of every chapter. Not so a lot of the times lately. Some chapters really were just food, clothes, and exposition.

I’m also sick of two things: people traveling all the time (just get there already! GAH! I’m tired of boats!), and GRRM refusing to let his dragons spread their wings.

I did love the last few chapters, but I’m irritated that I had to wade through a thousand pages to get there.

The more I think about it, the more I love books like Clive Barker’s Imajica, which tell their whole epic story in one volume.

I’m still in A Song of Ice and Fire for the long haul (damn you, GRRM, and your cliffhangers! damn you, damn you, damn you!!), as overall it’s an amazing story and a fascinating world. But these last two books should have been better, or shorter.

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