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Fifty Ways I Shake My Head (at the Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy)

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July 8, 2012
Book Reviews, Commentary
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Fifty Shades of GreySifting through the Fifty Shades trilogy, I started paying more attention to patterns than to the plot. Perhaps E L James (choosing to respect her apparent wishes to drop the periods after her initials) repeated the phrase “you are one fucked up bitch” six times in Fifty Shades Darker in order to aid rote memorization, perhaps not, but I’m sure Homer wouldn’t have done it any differently. At any rate, I embarked on my own odyssey in search of something all the books in the trilogy shared; something which could pull the whole series together.

Well, I think I’ve found it. Appearing at least fifteen times in each book as simply “I shake my head,” the phrase runs through E L James’s book like a true idée fixe, sometimes appearing only a sentence after its last appearance!

But E L James is nothing if not creative, and she shows us many different ways of shaking one’s head. Here are more than fifty cumulative ways of shaking one’s head, as found throughout the Fifty Shades series. (And, yes, it’s possible I missed some. I shake my head at science!)

From Fifty Shades of Grey:

  1. “I shake my head, disturbed at the direction of my thoughts…”
  2. “I shake my head to gather my wits.”
  3. “I shake my head, because I just don’t know.”
  4. “I shake my head, and he heads to the counter.”
  5. “I shake my head at her in a back-off now Kavanagh way – but I might as well be dealing with a blind, deaf mute.”
  6. “I shake my head, not daring to tell him and keep my eyes on my food.”
  7. “I shake my head. Not for food.”
  8. “I shake my head, so much to think about.”
  9. “I shake my head in defeat.”
  10. “I shake my head to concentrate on the task at hand.”
  11. “I shake my head in disbelief.”
  12. “I shake my head, and she rolls her eyes at me.”
  13. “I shake my head as I wander back inside.”
  14. “I shake my head resigned and grasp Christian’s toothbrush.”
  15. “I shake my head at the realization.”
  16. “I shake my head at his largesse, and I frown as a scene from Tess crosses my mind: the strawberry scene.”
  17. “I shake my head as the thought crosses my mind that Christian might have purchased the adjacent seat so that I couldn’t talk to anyone. “
  18. “I shake my head amused, and before I realize it, I roll my eyes at him.”

From Fifty Shades Darker:

  1. “I shake my head and flush before taking a less confrontational approach.”
  2. “I shake my head, confused.”
  3. “I shake my head, equally puzzled.”
  4. “I shake my head, but my heart is in my mouth.”
  5. “I shake my head in disapproval because of the expense, but deep down I love it.”
  6. “I shake my head, trying to clear my mind.”
  7. “I shake my head—Christian Mindfuck Grey.”
  8. “I shake my head, disgusted at myself…”
  9. “I shake my head sleepily. No way.”
  10. “I shake my head, remembering my body bowed and wanting beneath his expert hands.”
  11. “I shake my head in disbelief.”
  12. “I shake my head at the screen, but figure I cannot continue to argue with him over e-mail.”
  13. “I shake my head to reassure him.”
  14. “I shake my head and stare out my window at the gray Seattle day, feeling forlorn.”
  15. “I shake my head as I realize I need to start communicating.”
  16. “I shake my head and clutch José’s hand.”
  17. “I shake my head and clamber unsteadily to my feet.”
  18. “I shake my head at him—he’s actually being serious?”
  19. “I shake my head thinking about my mythical father.”

From Fifty Shades Freed:

  1. “I shake my head slowly, deliberately, trying to look as serious as possible. He closes his eyes and shakes his head then tilts his head back in surrender.”
  2. “I shake my head . . . one day, maybe.”
  3. “I shake my head, causing him to release my ear and gaze up at him.”
  4. “I shake my head to emphasize my point.”
  5. “I shake my head in frustration but I’m grateful that he’s telling Miss Provocative-And-Unfortunately-Good-At-Her-Job just who’s in charge.”
  6. “I shake my head vehemently.”
  7. “I shake my head, and his brow furrows once more.”
  8. “I shake my head in resignation.”
  9. “I shake my head in denial…”
  10. “I shake my head and reach up to caress his lovely face.”
  11. “I shake my head, unable to speak.”
  12. “I shake my head as I recall my distressing, tense encounter…”
  13. “I shake my head mutely.” (Ed. note: is there any other way?)
  14. “I shake my head and sigh loudly.” (Ed. note: shouldn’t have asked!)
  15. “I shake my head, exasperated at myself and at Hannah . . . “
  16. “I shake my head as Taylor sets off toward the hospital.”
  17. “I shake my head and pick up his socks and tie, and fold his jacket over my arm.”
  18. “I shake my head and gingerly get out of bed.”
  19. “I shake my head slowly, deliberately, trying to look as serious as possible.”

This kind of laser-like thematic focus is rare, folks.  Truly impressive stuff.

One of My Favorite Films I Don’t Talk About Enough

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June 26, 2012
Commentary, Film Reviews
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If you haven’t seen one of my favorite films, The Cook, the Thief, His Wife, and Her Lover … well. The loss is yours. It is everything I ever want from a film. Beauty. Ugliness. Fantastic horrors. Powerlessness, rebellion, and goddamn satisfaction.

Not for all tastes. (Well, okay … that’s an understatement AND a pun!)

In the meantime, please to enjoy this rousing cinematic score.  I listen to this music, and I get inspired to do better.

(If you’ve seen the film, it’s even more delicious.)

Goodbye, Youkilis

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June 24, 2012
Commentary
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The heart of a champion. A hard worker with a strange stance and a hell of an eye. Not to mention, he holds the Red Sox club record for number of times hit by a pitch (he was pelted eighty-six times). Additional details from the email I just got from RedSox.com:

“Youkilis, 33, has hit .233 with seven doubles, a triple, four home runs, 14 RBI and 25 runs in 42 games for the Red Sox this season. A three-time All-Star who was selected by the Red Sox in the eighth round of the 2001 First-Year Player Draft, Youkilis owns a .287 career average with 239 doubles, 17 triples, 133 home runs, 564 RBI, 594 runs, 494 walks and 26 stolen bases in 953 career games with Boston. Youkilis won World Series titles with the club in 2004 and 2007, earned a Gold Glove in 2007 and was the 2008 AL recipient of the Hank Aaron Award.”

Yeah. I say thank you for that.

Watching his final at-bat today, I wanted to be at Fenway, on my feet and cheering for him. Youk’s long been my favorite player, and he went out today with style, hitting an RBI-triple and digging in for a great slide to third, proving once again his willingness to end the day covered in dirt.

I hate Bobby Valentine a little for the disrespectful comments, but that’s Bobby Valentine for you. He’s not one to watch what he says, and that makes him more fun to listen to than, I don’t know, say, Bill Belichick? But yeah — I wish he hadn’t made Youk his enemy.

Because Youk represents what the Red Sox are about. They’re a team that can be the best and the worst, all at the same time. Last year was an absolutely stellar season for the Red Sox, bookended by an atrocious beginning and an historically terrible collapse. People can focus on the fried chicken and beer stories all they want, but what I refuse to forget is that in between all the tragedy, they were unstoppable. A great player in a slump … man, that’s just Red Sox baseball to the core. The potential is always there, but every damned day it’s anything can happen day.

The club fought through the curse. But fight they had to. And that’s the hardest part: it’s stepping up to the plate with all the voices in your head and not giving up. Working hard, no matter what your average or your stats may be, no matter if you’re feeling cursed or not — that’s something I love to see in my Red Sox players, no matter how bad the season gets. And Youk had it in spades.

As for the new guy, Will Middlebrooks, whose blazing talent has sort of pushed Youk out of the lineup … I’m looking forward to watching him continue to light it up.

I just won’t forget Youk. Guy has the heart of a champion, and I’m sorry to see him go.

Review: Hellboy: Seed of Destruction

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June 23, 2012
Book Reviews
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Hellboy: Seed of Destruction
Hellboy: Seed of Destruction by Mike Mignola
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Re-read this introductory Hellboy collection this weekend, because I missed the big red ape. I can’t say enough about Mignola’s skill when it comes to art and drawing some memorably stylish panels.

There’s also the nice blend of monsters, Nazis, and folklore that is such a signature of his work, and it mostly works. But my problem with Hellboy in general is also my problem with this book: too much monologuing on Rasputin’s part, and while the story starts with great characters and good atmosphere, it throws that aside in the conclusion for monster-mash fisticuffs. I’m just never going to be as involved in those scenes as I might like to be, I guess. At least Mignola keeps it charming throughout with characteristic whit and whimsy.

And, even if the story is a little wooden, it’s still some beautiful, evocative art.

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How I Would Fix Prometheus

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June 10, 2012
Film Reviews
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What a trailer! Probably one of the best trailers of all time. It took me a while to notice how they match the pitch of a scream to the alarm blast, which associates the sound so beautifully with a feeling of terror. Genius. A brilliant piece of marketing.

Too bad Prometheus the film is not as scary as its trailer, or any of the other pieces of well-crafted advertising shepherding audiences into the theater. It has moments, to be sure; it’s not a bad film. Visually, it’s breathtaking. There are countless drool-worthy shots to justify the price of admission all on their own.

Likewise, Idris Elba, Charlize Theron, and Michael Fassbender all add to the experience in a positive way. I wish I could say the same for Noomi Rapace, but I found her annoying and boring (certainly no Ellen Ripley), and when I ultimately choose not to rewatch this movie it will be because I didn’t care about her character and there is so much of her character to watch.

Which brings me to the point of this article, which is not really a review (and from here on out, be warned: I am going to give  away plenty of things about the film, so if you haven’t seen the film, you’ve been warned — here there be spoilers!). Prometheus is a flawed film, but it could’ve been improved by one small change:

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Review: The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead

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June 9, 2012
Book Reviews
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The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead
The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead by Max Brooks
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I didn’t think it was possible for me to like this book. I expected some jokey coffee-table stupidity, I guess. Instead, what I found was both a great survival manual as well as a dead-serious consideration of the zombie mythos in general. Max Brooks (son of Mel Brooks) has written the best criticism of a tired subgenre that I’ve ever seen, and I think anyone who writes a zombie story from this point forward should at least read through this once.

While I don’t agree with every argument Brooks makes (e.g., I can think of several reasons why if the brain continues to function some vestigial behavior patterns could remain), his commitment to a scientific approach to the genre leads in some delightful directions (like zombies walking across the ocean over long periods of time — love that idea!).

Further, I feel this book highlights something about the world of zombie fiction (and, in a more general sense, all disaster stories and apocalyptica) and the role it plays for the reader (or the viewer): namely, that most of the fun of such stories is in the fantasy of a world where survivalism becomes once again paramount. By writing a book that is a straight-up survival manual, he trims a lot of the fat off what has become a lot of rote, by-the-numbers situational drama in a lot of stories that all end up feeling very similar. Instead, he gives his reader the interesting bits regarding what might work well, what might not work at all, and what might end up in disaster. Thinking about the potential for zombies to still swarm on a secluded island, as well as the threat pirates pose to such a place, is both more interesting and also briefer than sitting through another modern-day, half-baked schlock-a-thon.

I didn’t find the final third (brief accounts of zombie invasions through history) as compelling, but I did appreciate it in concept (Brooks really displays his history-buff side, and I like that, in theory). Even so, I’m interested in now giving World War Z a read, if only to see if Brooks can follow his own rules in a longer narrative format.

Those looking for a suspenseful horror novel or a humorous take on this material will probably not enjoy this book, but for anyone (like me) who enjoys watching impressive and straight-faced brainpower applied to a pop fiction mythology, look no further.

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Review: The Land of Laughs

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June 9, 2012
Book Reviews
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The Land of Laughs
The Land of Laughs by Jonathan Carroll
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

A friend recommended this cult classic to me, and I read it without reading anything regarding the plot. I’m glad. This book takes some amazing, creative turns, even if as a whole I didn’t quite fall in love with it.

An English teacher obsessed with the work of children’s book author Marshall France journeys to that author’s hometown to unearth details for a biography. The narrative tone is likable enough, if slightly square for a book that is at times delightfully weird. On the balance, though, I think the tone works and is an advantage. There’s enough sex and swearing to keep it from seeming chaste or overly cozy.

The trouble with the book is how gosh-darned nice everyone seems for the greater part of the novel. The suspense doesn’t really fully kick into gear until the final third. The whole work feels under-dramatized to me, and the sentences were often a little under-written, as well.

However, the ideas in the book are delightful and nicely thought-through, and a lot of the imagery is compelling and memorable (I found myself really wishing I could read one of the books Marshall France wrote). The answer to the riddle of France’s hometown is a tough thing to do right, and I think Jonathan Carroll nails it. The end of the story is perfect. Overall, I liked this book, but I wish there had been more conflict throughout the piece as a whole.

Imaginative and creative, just a little unfinished.

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How to Cope with Ending a Relationship with a Really Long Novel

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May 3, 2012
Concept Humor, Writing
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We’ve all been there. You’ve just turned the last page on a 1,200-page novel you’ve spent an emotional eternity reading, and you feel both relieved and like you’ll never be able to read again. Whether you liked the book or not, it’s never easy moving on. You’ve come to count on this tome and these characters. Your neural pathways think in the syntax of the writer. When you think back on these days, all you’ll remember is that during your lunchbreak and on the subway in the morning and as you were falling asleep at night, you were reading that book. Idioms and phrases repeated throughout the novel seem like your whole life. If you asked someone what he was doing back in the Year of the Depend Adult Undergarment or told your kid someday he’d sit the Iron Throne or asked a coworker, “Who is John Galt?”–all these questions and comments would be salient and apropos, because everyone in the world knows what a terrible surprise the scouring of the Shire is.

But no. Life goes on. Moby-Dick is not the only book about fish in the sea.

Remember that it’s okay to read different books. Perhaps the best thing to do is to have a quick fling with a short story or two, just to prove to yourself that there are other characters out there. Find a used copy of The Old Man in the Sea, rent a hotel room, and spend an hour reminding yourself what it was like to be an irresponsible teenager with a book report due in the morning.

Talk to others. Go to your book club meeting. The people there can help you learn from what you’ve read and understand how it all came about, pointing out the signs from the beginning of the book which foreshadowed events in the end. By analyzing the things you might have missed, you will become a better reader for that next novel.

Equally important, however: don’t obsess over it. Don’t go online and read every single post anyone’s ever made about the book. Don’t fight with people on the Internet who don’t “get” the book like you do. If you loved the book, you’ll hate to see it being torn apart by the likes of these idiots, and if you hated it you’ll hate to see it being praised when it’s a lowlife, bottom-feeding, piece of shit. But even so, you have to let it go. You have to move on.

Whether you go and mingle with new releases at a brick-and-mortar store or browse through descriptions on an online site, just get out there. Find something new to read. There are a lot of words out there. They’re waiting.

“The End” is not the end.

Review: Throttle

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April 27, 2012
Book Reviews
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Throttle
Throttle by Stephen King
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

So I wanted to read a Kindle Single, and I found this one. Couldn’t resist.

In this episode of Sons of Anarchy, Samcro fights the truck driver from Duel after a drug deal goes bad on Breaking Bad. Written by Stephen King and his son Joe Hill, it’s a tribute to the work of Richard Matheson and some TV shows. It also has cartoonish illustrations which look like panels from a silly comic book.

As a story, it hangs together pretty neatly. Neat, square, cheesy, and ordinary. Slightly boring, slightly entertaining … but definitely derivative. I expected something a little more imaginative from these two.

Ho-hum.

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